News
Giving children the skills to repair relationships
By Ann Bailey, PhD
“What if the most important thing isn’t getting it right…but going back?”
—Kate Bowler
In social work, counseling, and reflective supervision/consultation, the word “repair” describes what can happen once a rupture in a relationship has occurred. Repair is the act of attempting to acknowledge hurt, take responsibility, and work at rebuilding trust after a disagreement or conflict within a relationship.
Last month, Duke Divinity professor and popular author Kate Bowler published a blog post on repair that I haven’t stopped thinking about since. I’ve been a fan of Dr. Bowler’s since I read her book, Everything Happens for a Reason…and Other Lies I’ve Loved. Her book resonated with me then and still does, especially her practical approach to how hard life can be and how we can (better) support each other.
Dr. Bowler’s blog post starts with a parenting anecdote, which makes a lot of sense. If ever there were a job that is high stakes and yet provides little feedback about how well or not well you’re doing, parenting is it. But as Bowler points out, citing Dr. Becky Kennedy’s popular TED Talk on The Single Most Important Parenting Strategy, parents can repair their relationships with their children after they make mistakes. This becomes an especially important idea when we remember—as infant and early childhood mental health practitioners will tell you—that all learning happens within the context of reliable, consistent relationships with important adults. We’re human, so we know we will make mistakes. Some days those mistakes may be minor, like forgetting to put the right snack in a lunch box. Some days those mistakes may be much larger, like losing your patience after a difficult day and saying things to your child that you may regret.
I can think of any number of times when I said things I wished I hadn’t. I like to refer to those moments as “foot in mouth disease.” Many times, I’ve been offered grace and gotten the opportunity to try to repair the damage I did. That said, it took me years to learn the skills I needed to repair relationships with grace, accountability, kindness, tact, and importantly, humility. A large part of repair is humility—being willing to admit that you’ve done something wrong and asking for forgiveness.
We spend a lot of time in early childhood talking about children’s social–emotional development and how that is as important as their cognitive development. Part of social–emotional development is learning to get along with others. That requires skills like listening, saying you’re sorry, asking for help. Early childhood professionals do talk to children about empathy, but do we talk to them about humility or accountability? When is the appropriate time to start teaching children about repairing a relationship after they make mistakes? Is it ever too late to learn? I hope not. Unfortunately, in this time of big feelings, division, and so many of us thinking that our way is the “right” way, it is rare to see adults—especially leaders—admit they were wrong and attempt repair.
Photo by charlesdeluvio on Unsplash
To complicate matters, repair is a two-way street. It’s not just those who are in the wrong who may refuse to engage in the process. All too often, instead of giving people a chance to make amends, we “cancel” them. Being cancelled signifies loss—loss of reputation, relationships, membership in a community, even loss of our livelihood. It does not signify opportunities to practice real repair. And at this moment, when we’re so quick to “cancel” each other, what are we teaching children about what happens when we make mistakes—especially bigger mistakes? Do we talk to children about being open when others try to repair their relationship with us?
Humility and empathy go hand-in-hand with repair. Developing these qualities, though, takes time, sometimes a lifetime. The sooner we start talking to kids about how their words and actions affect others and how they make people feel, the sooner we lay ground for the building blocks of learning how to repair. One way to do that is to demonstrate these skills and ways of being. We, as adults, can work to be humble and empathetic. We can work to take accountability for our words and actions. And we can extend grace to others when they attempt repair in good faith. Dr. Bowler writes, “[W]hat if we thought about repair not just as fixing something, but as returning—to each other, to the relationship, to the moment that felt broken—and saying, “I wish I’d done that differently.” At the end of the day, quality relationships matter. Coming back together to repair them matters. And it’s on us adults to provide children with examples.